I think I need another break. Everything seems.... old. Tiresome. In truth, I think I've become bored with everything I have. Everything seems so dull. It's like an emptiness has engulfed me. Almost like apathy but the emotions are still there. I just don't seem to care much about them. Like right now. I'm currently depressed, but at the same time I don't really feel anything. I feel betrayed yet again. I feel under-stimulated. Nothing seems worth anything anymore. I value my friends but now it feels that I'm worth nothing and they aren't worth anything either. Everything seems to be falling apart and evanescing. It's like this was all an illusion to keep boredom away. I'm upset but at the same time I'm not. Everything is so enigmatic. I feel like I'm finding myself but losing myself again. It's like this cycle is supposed to happen. It's time for a change. But what? I don't know what I'm supposed to change. Why am I losing interest in everything. I know these are symptoms of clinical depression, but it's something just under the surface that's causing it all. I'm iratible. I'm lethargic. I'm restless. I'm lonely. Right now, I feel everyone doesn't really want me here. Like they're bored of me as well. I seem to be most comfortable within my solitude. But at the same time, I'm craving to be around people. I really don't know how to fix this. This is actually a first. I have not even an idea what is causing this slow downward spiral of emotions and thoughts. Nor a hint or idea of how to fight against it. I guess it ties into the feeling of being segregated. I guess I am different. I have a feeling I lost two friends today. What am I doing wrong? At first I was upset. Almost to tears over it. I couldn't find a reason on to why one of them would possible be mad at me enough to have the other answer the phone and fake a dying battery then hanging up. Or to why I'm being looked at oddly by people I used to trust. That right USED to trust. My tight circle of friends have loosened a bit. I don't find trust or loyalty in anyone anymore. I feel everyone really is out to make me suffer or something. I've bluntly said it as well. "Making friends is hard. It's probably my lack of trust in people. I know people talk shit about me behind my back. ...that includes you guys." Slightly differing each time I've said it. But still pointing out the fact that cruel words are being said. Even if its supposedly as a joke. Deep down, I know it isn't.
Maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I'm suspecting something I know is happening and they are feeling guilty because I'm actually confronting it face to face this time.
I know I've been changing ...ever so slowly. But changing none the less. I'm not scared to state my mind anymore. At first I'm hesitant, forming the words carefully. Then it starts to come out more smoothly. And now, even though their harsh words sting and hurt, I actually retaliate in a more direct approach. Instead of being subtle or passive aggressive over it.
In the end, I think it comes down to my experience I had on christmas. My encounter with my shadow. At first I was scared of this part of me. The fact that he was flowing with anger and hate. Filled to the brim with the desire to harm others. Overwhelming hate for this world. ...I didn't want to let my shadow, my demon, out of the cage I secured it in within my mind. I refused to let him see daylight. But now I've embraced him. Releasing him from his cage. I have no reason to fear him. He's the one who's been protecting my unconsciously over the years. And I find a warmth within his presence. Even though he is filled with anger, hate and desire, he makes me feel warm and somewhat content inside. I guess it was finally time for this to happen.
Maybe the change I've been wanting has already begun. And I just need to make the right moves to get what I really desire. But the question is... what is it that I truly desire? The first thought is love. The affection and intimacy from another. But is that all? I don't even think that's what my heart truly desires. I guess that's something that will come as I put the pieces together to form this puzzle.
Well, I feel like I'm being set apart from everyone else. I don't know
what it is, nor am I trying to make it worse. But it seems to me that
everyone is moving further and further out of my ring of friendship. I
have this nagging feeling that I'm being talked shit about again. Is
it me? Am I the one causing all of this? I don't know. As far as I
know, I haven't done or said anything that would rightfully give a
reason to be segregated. I guess I'm just too different from people.
I want to join into conversations with people I know, but I have
nothing to add to the conversations. It's like I'm in a still frame
and everyone else is a moving picture.
Lets take today. At work I felt like no one really wanted to have me
around other than to do grunt work. No one really wanted to talk to me
and they just talked amongst themselves. And when I asked a question,
I felt that I was ignored.
Maybe I'm just over-reacting. But to me, I don't feel like I am.
Maybe I'm just paranoid of being hurt again... who knows. But I'm sure
it's paranoia or being segregated.
On to other things...
Well, I'm still fallen hard for him. And I'm sure he knows it. And I
feel like I've hurt him a while back and apologized for my actions.
And now it seems like he's upset with me. Is it because I don't talk
with him like I used to? Is it the space I put between us to prevent
any further damage? I love him so much, I don't want him to be hurt so
I keep my distance. And anyone who knows me in person would know who
I'm talking about.
I really don't know what to do about this situation, half of me wants
to sit down and talk with him, the other half wants to keep a good
distance away from him. And I don't know which side to listen to.
Like yesterday, he wanted to ride in my car with me and I said sure
it's okay. And the whole trip it felt like he wanted to say something
but couldn't. I mean, yeah, we had some conversation in the car; but
it was short and to the point. The rest of silence or me mumbling
along with the radio. And me being me, I never make the first move.
It always ends up a disaster of some sort.
Well I ended my proffessional relationship with Doyle's. I will no
longer tolerate being repremanded or mind games from the employees. I
did as I was told and was always in the wrong. Yes, sure. I was a
little out of line at times, but that was because the management didn't
do jack shit about any of the issues. I was told to enforce the rules,
and I get in trouble for it. I got disrespected by the other employees
and had no one to turn to to fix the issues that kept coming around.
So I ended up throwing my attitude back at the employees who were
giving me attitude for doing what I was told to do. And then when I
talked to the supervisor, nothing was done about it, other than "you
should tell me if it happens again."
Today, I simply requested to have a meeting. And before I could finish
my sentence, I was quickly told, "If it's about bad attitudes, you guys
cause most of it." I put that comment aside quickly and finished what
I was saying, "No, not that. It's about paper work being filled out
incorrectly. Product being outed when it should be highlighted to be
pulled later. And filling totes correctly."
"We don't need to have a meeting about that. You should talk to each
individual who does do that. 90% of the people pulling don't make
those mistakes."
"But I don't want to deal with people getting mad at me for calling
them up for it. I don't want to have another person tell me, "If
you're going to single me out, you should single everyone else out as
well."
"Well you don't have to worry about that. He isn't here anymore."
"Yes he is. I just stopped calling him up for tote and paper work
errors because I don't want to have to deal with the attitude."
"Well then you should be singling them out, they're the ones making the errors. They need to learn to not make those errors."
"Fine, then I will."
...end of conversation. So then I decided to pull orders instead of
checking them. Mostly because I was accused of causing all the bad
attitudes from the other employees. So I ended up pulling frozen.
From around the corner of the freezer, half way to the recieving dock,
I could hear the supervisor yelling at a coworker that also checks
orders and does paperwork.
"Why am I the only one doing all the paper work? WHY am I doing ALL the
paper work? What if I was gone for a day? Nothing would get done."
That's where I decided I can't play this stupid game anymore. First,
at the start of the week. A fellow employee and I had just returned to
work. I was absent for most of last week due to medical issues. And
my coworker was on vacation. We were promptly told, "Why'd you even
come in. Everything went smoothly without you."
And the rest of the day my coworker was getting shit from the
supervisor about the "crew" didn't really need her present. And if we
got out late, it's because of her. Later in the day, I was also
included on this repetitive statement that she was sure to make
everyone known of this opinion.
And for the rest of the week, we were constantly reminded that we're
fucking up. Never anything positive. Ever. It's not like we ever got
a "good job" or "you did good" to start with. But it really pissed
both of us off to be constantly reminded that we're making mistakes and
that we can do better.
I'm happy with my descission. If they really are better without me.
Then they're better off now. No need to be in a place where I'm
unwanted. Plus, I'm not into brown nosing or being a little pet/minion.
I'll admit that over the last two months, I've purposely been slowing
down in pace when loading trucks and not moving as fast when pulling
orders. But that's because everyone who did slack off got all the
compliments and all I got were insults. So, I assumed I was in the
wrong and started to purposely load and move like the people who were
getting the compliments. I stopped bending over backwards for the
supervisor because there wasn't any point in it anymore. And no matter
how I changed, whether getting worse in ethics or improving and going
beyond what was asked of me, I was in the wrong. I had other employees
talking shit and throwing attitudes at me. And if I talked to the
supervisor, she didn't do anything about it, and if I say or throw
attitude back at the person(s) who's giving me shit. I'm in the wrong.
So it was just a lose, lose situation for me. No matter how good or bad I was at my job. It was all the same.
So today when an optional lunch was called, I clocked out, went into
the main office and notified the "human resources" person (he's not
really a human resources, but he's the person to talk to about issues
and hires/fires people) via phone line extention to his cell phone that
I made up my mind and was leaving the company. And since I was
apparantly causing most of the problems, it was just best for me to
leave. Plus I'm going to be talking to him, tomorrow, in private about
the issue that made me make that discission. Hopefully it'll solve
some issues that some of the other employees are having that aren't
being fixed. But most likely not, since none of the management really
want to do their job. Just sit around and bark at people or play cards
on the computer.
And with that, I went back into the warehouse, grabbed my shit and
left. I didn't even bother telling the supervisor. Mostly because I
was so fucking pissed at her, that I probably would have started
screaming and yelling at her.
And then I just spent the rest of the day contimplating my next move.
I have several job options to choose from, but I want to make the right
descission so I don't regret it later.
And here is a song/vid of what I'm currently feeling:
Rose by A Perfect Circle
here are the lyrics:
Don't disturb the Beast, The tempermental Goat, The Snail, while he's feeding on the Rose Stay frozen, compromise What I will I am Bend around the wind Silently thrown about again I'm treading so soft and lightly Compromising my will I am
I am, I will So no longer will I Lay down, play dead Play your doe In the headlights locked down And terrified Your deer in the headlights Shut down and horrified when Push comes to pull comes to shove Comes to step around this Self-destructive dance That never would've ended 'til I rose, I roared aloud here I will, I am
I am, I will So no longer will I Lay down, play dead, Play this Kneel down Gun-shy martyr, pitiful I rose, I roared I will, I am
Well when I got home, I felt that I was going to blog about something,
possibly important to get out but now nothing comes to mind. I have
things I can bitch about but thinking about it gets old. The same
thoughts about being lonely and having no one comes to mind as well but
that's something I'm used to and have been bitching about for a long
time now.
So basically I'm blogging because I'm bored and nothing seems to be important.
Well I guess I can go on about that. I wonder if it's strange that
nothing seems to be important anymore. Sure, there are things that I
need to own up and be responsible for (bills and such) but that's not
what I mean. I think I've lost my drive to do things.
Maybe I should start some new projects. Like maybe work on some
drawing or paintings. Something to pass the time and get something out
of it, instead of just sitting here and letting my creativity waste
away like I have been doing for the last year or so.
I've
basically put a few of my projects on permanent hiatus. So I have a
comic strip, a graphic novel and a written novel all sitting around in
some box rotting because there's nothing fueling it anymore.
I
feel the things that fueled them have faded away. Who's going to be
interested in a novel or graphic novel that deals with tragedy,
paranormal, and super human feats. There are plenty of novels like
that out already. And I feel that it'd be pointless to make something,
even though I like the worlds that I've created in those pages, if it
doesn't seem unique enough to stand out. Sure they're morbid, and the
characters can be related to easily and would probably make people cry
when they read what happens to them and such but yeah... Maybe I'll
rewrite it. Now that I'm thinking about it. I should just write a few
chapters from a different aspect and see how people react to it. If I
get a good reaction, maybe I'll write more. I guess that's something I
can do on my down time. I'll make the chapters somewhat short, but
interesting, so people can see into the depths of the worlds that I
created.
As for drawings/paintings, I have a few ideas. I'm
going to work on a few of the scenes from my comic and graphic novel
and elaborate. I'm sure those will turn out good. Unfortunately, I
don't know how to get those onto my computer quite yet when I finish
them. I don't want to ruin the pieces trying to scan them with my
scanner. Maybe I can have it done at a store or something, I guess I
can look around for that as well. It'd be nice to have a finished
piece, in full detail online to start my portfolio over again. ....I
never should have given all my work away. I had a ton of pieces in my
portfolio at one point. I think I only have one left, the one sitting
on my wall above my computer, titled "Beauty within Death". A
monochromatic piece I did in school. I know I have another somewhere
that's water damaged, titled "Xanadu". A black and white pencil
drawing of a still life. Also a school project from way back when.
Maybe I can have those scanned so I can post them.
Well
whatever. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. But I guess
starting a blog about nothing turned out helpful. Gave me a chance to
think about things to do.
When I was around 5 years old, I broke my dad's picket fencing around the gardens. He beat my ass with one of the pickets that had a nails in it. I cried all day in my room as laid on my bed in my room. I bled for a good while before my mom came in and bandaged me up.
It was my eighth birthday, I don't exactly remember what I did to get in trouble but I was whipped with a belt several times. I spent the rest day hiding in the laundry closet in the very back under the linens behind the boxes.
11 years old, my first job. My older sister Angel tried running me down in my mom's car and almost succeeded. After that incident, Angel had many attempts on my life. One included trying to impale my head to the dining room wall with a butcher knife she hurled at me from the kitchen sink. The knife stuck in the wall about an inch from my head.
2. Forbidden Memories
when i was still very little, I recall waking up nude in my bed with my brother in it with me. I didn't know better at the time and ran to my mom to ask where my clothes went. I have my suspicions about this incident now. I have absolutely no trust in my brother.
I can vaguely remember times when I've fallen asleep and woken up in a different room either declothed or in different clothing. Waking up nude or in boxers in bed when I know I crashed on a couch is scary all on its own.
About a year or so ago. I woke up from a deep sleep and was suffering form a form of paralysis. I felt someone/thing fondling me. This is more recent but I have a hard time remembering things due to short term memory and self induced amnesia. The fact that it wasn't that long ago and that I was completely helpless to do anything about it scares me to no end.
There are more things that I can remember but they are things that I would never share. They are so wicked that I'm sure that I deserve to die for doing them.
